Body Temperature

Two friends are smoking spliffs and listening to music in a hazy living room.

They are 26 and 27, respectively; both between jobs.

One is responsible, polite, and being subjected to a story in which the other displays no semblance of either quality. 

It reads as follows:

But so, dude, listen to this. I’m standing there with my dick in my hands, and for the first time in my life, peeing is not what I’m focused on doing when I’m standing over a toilet. In fact, it’s what I’m trying desperately not to do, because I’m here for a drug test, right? And with all the fuckery that’s flowing through my blood right now, I would fail sure as an infant shits — no questions asked.

See, I’ve got this job offer, and to get this offer, I need to pass this test. We’re not talking flying colors, here, man, a simple pass will do. And so I’ve got a condom that’s full of clean urine (thankfully Jackson was in town from LA and just happened to have some for sale), but it’s taped onto me in all sorts of weird, awkward places. The tip is on my inner thigh, with the shaft sort of pressed against my taint, just shy of the place where I refuse to put anything even remotely phallic.

Not that I’d judge for that or anything, man.

But so I’m standing over the porcelain throne, fumbling frantically with all this junk, flesh and rubber alike, and it’s not as straightforward a process as you might think. Remember, I’m at a clinic, and there’s a job on the line. And you’ve only got so much time to complete the procedure, because of course there’s a nurse out there waiting for you, and you don’t want her getting suspicious.

And don’t forget, it’s gotta be warm, too. No, it’s gotta be hot — like, body temperature hot. So I had to microwave the stuff right before coming here, which was gross, but not nearly as gross as having to fill a fucking condom with urine (I don’t care how clean it is), and duct tape it right where the sun don’t shine.

Dude, yes, most awkward cab ride of my life — no fucking contest. Well so it’s starting to get cold (the pee, that is) and I’ve gotta get it out of this rubber now, but I tied the damn thing too tight and it’s being a stubborn ol’ bitch. My palms are sweating like crazy, my junk hanging out — honestly I’m not quite sure why it was still out at that point — and my eyes are straining to focus on the tiny latex knot standing between me and the end of this nightmare.

And I just keep thinking to myself:  “No goddamn way am I walking out of here with someone else’s piss on my hands”.

Finally, I get the thing opened and only a little bit gets on my pants — which I just have to sort of emotionally brush off for the moment. But when I try and pour the stuff out into the cup, it all starts spilling out, and definitely not in/on the right places (not that there really were any such places), which I still haven’t succeeded in emotionally brushing off yet.

Then so by the end of the shaft (of the condom, that is) there’s hardly anything left in there. And, well, obviously there’s no chance in hell the nurse believes that’s all you had in you, especially seeing as I was hopping around the lobby like a toddler full of soda at a theme park. So, like, shit, fuck, what am I gonna do?

Dude, and trust me when I say this, you are never more resourceful than when faced with adversity in a public bathroom.

And so I do it, I swear, I run the sink until the water is hot — you know, body temperature hot — then I completely ditch any dignity I had left by dipping the cup in the toilet bowl to scoop some more vaguely yellow water out. And then, for the finale, I peed a bit in the cup myself, because at this point, I’m like, fuck it, might as well let Jesus take the wheel.

Then I wash my hands but it doesn’t make me feel any less dirty. I walk back out into the lobby, give the nurse (who’s pretty cute, by the way) my cup full of warm bodily fluids. She smiles and thanks me — which, if you think about it, is pretty much the only situation in which that would be a person’s reaction to being handed a cup full of warm bodily fluids — and she tells me to “Have a nice day”.

And so I did, man, I smiled real big and did just that.

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